Hey, for those of you who ever saw my old blog, this is old. But if not, here's one of my favorite pictures of myself ever. It's me and my long lost twin brother who I found on the streets of Japan.
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man, I love my students.
I realized today why I'm going through all these feelings of loneliness and self-inadequacy.
It's because I no longer have a classroom full of kids to rule, each and every day, listening to every word I say, doing everything I ask, and laughing at my corny jokes.
To put it bluntly, I'm used to be treated like a king by my students.
And now that I don't have students, I'm going through a sort of breakdown, transitioning hard back into the real world.
It's not cool, I tell ya. Not cool, I got really into that rush of power each and every day.
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Three times this week I grew misty-eyed, which is very very unlike me. Honest. I wish I could cry more. You know, in Aryvedic thought, it's good to cry to let out emotions that get trapped inside your body. But I just don't really cry that often. I even tried really hard to cry when it was the last day with my students, because I wanted to show them how emotional I was inside and how much they meant to me. (And I even found out that other teachers were asking whether or not I cried on the last day of school). But I couldn't. I tried really hard, when I was hugging my kids for the last time. But anyway.
1) Hearing the Beauty and the Beast musical numbers at my roommates' students choral performance. Why the heck am I getting misty eyed over Beauty and the Beast songs? Something's going on inside me that I don't know about.
"be our guest, be our guest . . ."
Bwaah ha ha ha ha
2) At the same show, the students then sang a bunch of ABBA songs from Mamma Mia. When they launched into Dancing Queen, I could feel my heart stop.
Why does this song kill me so much?
It's so silly and bouncy, yet it conveys so much tragedy and emotion for me.
That's why it's always my default karaoke song, you know. For those of you who havn't seen me sing this drunken karaoke style, you're in for a treat one day. I never brag about my skills . . . but, baby, I own this song.
"dancing queen . . . only seventeen"
Sob sob sob honk
3) At church this evening, whenever the hymn Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing comes on, the words, " Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love;"
always hit me hard.
I remember a pastor telling me that
Robert Robinson, the man who wrote these lyrics in the 18th century, predicted his fate with this song. In later years, he turned away from Christ, and ended up destitute. I'm not sure how much of that is true, but it always gets to me.
Because I know it's me.
I'm prone to wander, I can always feel it.
I've strayed far far away, and I know, I can get up, and wander off again.
It hurts so much sometimes, the knowledge of my own inevitable self-destruction.
When I was 10 years old, I told my mother that I had a vision of myself as an old man. I had been married 3 times and was fighting a battle with alcoholism.
She said I was crazy. I said I wasn't trying to be funny.
But, part of this vision has already come true, and it's always lurking there in the back of my mind.
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Okay, this is getting too deep for me.
Let's talk about what a great fun weekend I had, seeing lots of friends, making new ones, and getting lots of emails from a very specific individual who's really really cool and I'm just getting to know.
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Have a great week, everyone.
noticed that it had ripped outta my face" or "do you know any good electrical contractors that won't rip me off?". Yeah, real smooth talk. That's what I'm about baby.
h all dope beats, I've gotten just a little sick of it. (and, the lyrics are kind of a foul, which I don't approve of.)
